Two Questions
On the same day, last Thursday, I was asked two questions that I have been thinking about over and over again. They came from different people with different opinions of who I am. Both questions show very different sides of me and the person asking.
The first question came from my father. Before we get to that we need to talk about him, or what I know of him. I haven’t shared much about my father on this blog, but he is a large part of my story. He had a very rough sounding childhood. By 17 he’d been kicked out of his parents house. His parents never acknowledged that I existed. This same person, carrying some rough hard life experiences, decided to make something of himself. He put himself through 2 bachelors, a masters, and a PHD program. From there he didn’t stop. He has fought covert wars, and helped save lives. He has also struggled with the ramifications of his upbringing. Sins of the father were passed on, knowingly or not.
We’ve struggled to have a real personal relationship and I can admit my own part in that. I became distant as a self protection mechanism. I know the pain that must have caused. Recently I wrote him a letter apologizing to him for that. I said it wasn’t fair. I also said it wasn’t fair nor did he deserve the treatment that his parents gave him. I don’t know if anyone had ever said that to him. I hadn’t talked to him in 6 months before I wrote this letter. This lead to us sitting down and having a conversation that had been a long time coming. Part of the context of this question revolved around my own lack of self confidence. He continually asked me why. “Why do you feel that way and how to do you feel?” “It’s easy to believe in yourself. You just do”. I told him that I didn’t believe in myself because I never felt that he was proud of me. I also told him I spent a lot of my life living to make others happy so that they wouldn’t feel how I felt. Why didn’t I believe in myself and how did I feel? It kept playing in my head. I don’t know why at that time I couldn’t answer it. Was I afraid to hurt him? Would he hear it? Would he believe it? Do I even know the answer? I believe I can answer all of these questions. I tried to answer all of these questions and all of his questions. It felt like everything I wanted to do was wrong in some way. Don’t join a band. You’ll do drugs. Still Straight Edge by the way. Don’t skateboard you can’t make any money. And now there are tournaments everywhere. I constantly felt that nothing I did was good enough or that I wasn’t good enough at it.
Later that night I was talking with some friends. I was telling them some other things I’ve gone through in my life. Stories for another time to be honest. That’s where the second question came in. “How are you so well adjusted?” Um what? Do I really seem well adjusted? Am I hiding it from people? Or am I really well adjusted? Have I been able to do the work necessary to see where this all comes from? I’ve had time to think. I have spent the better part of my life thinking through the things that I have experienced. I have been angry. I have been sad. I have been depressed. I have a ton of work left to do. The more I think about it I’ve been working on my own journey towards healing or at least understanding since I was 16. Late nights were spent trying to figure out how I felt and why I felt that way. The last few years are where I’ve filled in the gaps I didn’t know and made the major strides to be a different person. It’s time for me to find out who I am, what I want, and how to do it. The more I look the longer I realize I’ve been on this journey to understanding my trauma and where it came from. I’ve spent so many hours, days, months, and years understanding how others act and why so that I can understand how that’s impacted me and how I’ve impacted others. Maybe I am “well adjusted”. Maybe I’m just hiding it from people. Maybe I’m just hiding it from myself. I was so caught off guard. I think it’s the first time anyone had told me they considered me ok after hearing some of the things I’ve been through. Please know that whatever you’ve gone through you can heal. You can understand others and yourself. There’s a lot to learn. Take the time. I hope my stories and journey can inspire you to tell yours or at least think about yours.