The Magical Collective
Presents:
JK -@Koesnijmik
Throughout my life I have received support from family and friends as well as kindness from strangers. I wanted to give back in a small way by sharing my story. I want to thank Jeremiah for inviting and encouraging me to share.
In my early twenties I had issues with anxiety which gradually became worse. I had severe acne, unresolved family trauma, and low self-confidence. I found it difficult to feel good about myself. While growing up I watched my parents go through a lot of hardships and struggles. Sometimes it was not fair to me. My parents were not emotionally available people but they tried their best to provide me a good life. I still find it difficult at times to let that sink in.
During my mid-twenties I began to have mental breakdowns. I isolated myself and had issues going out or meeting new people. I smoked pot and drank but that sometimes made things worse. In my last year of college, I moved in with my parents and looked for work. I slept during the day and was active at night. Those years were probably when I was most depressed. I began writing in a gratitude journal. I started taking medication. I raked the leaves outside. Then one day I found the courage to go to a public speaking meeting called Toastmasters. I went for several years even though it was tough. There were many nights where I failed miserably and hated myself for it.
I realized I had never talked much or really been comfortable with myself. I started taking counseling to change that. It was difficult. I totaled my car driving back from counseling and a year later totaled another car while driving to a session. It was draining to address the past and relive painful feelings. I kept going because it helped me understand my own thoughts and behaviors. It gave me a lot of comfort knowing where that was all coming from.
The hardest part for me was and still is managing flashbacks. There are traumatic memories that I do revisit but most of the time there is no specific memory. A trigger for me is when I hear people arguing. Sometimes it causes me to have a flashback. I get overwhelmed with fear and my mind starts racing with thoughts. Finding a quiet place to rest helps but there have been times it has not and I have made many mistakes trying different things to feel better. Counseling helps me find ways to overcome this mental state. It is a working progress.
I know I am flawed but I am much better about being comfortable with myself than before. Things get better after time. There is a lot of stigma around mental health, but you are not alone. There is no shame in asking for help because there are people who want to help. Know that it is not easy but keep at it and things get better.
Catch up with Jin on Intsagram @Koesnijmik