The Hardest Part Seldom Talked About
There are a lot of hard parts when dealing with mental health struggles. I feel like I’ve seen a decent amount talked about how hard it is to make the decision to start your journey. There are a fair amount of resources in relation to finding a therapist, what they should do for you, how you should feel talking to them, and when it is and isn’t working out. The part that hit me the hardest, that I realized hadn’t really been talked about, was just how hard it really can be to deal with the issues that are brought up.
I’m not saying dealing with each individual issue that is uncovered and worked on. I’m talking the slow build up of a list, or the sudden realization of how long that list might be. The memories, dread, and overwhelming feelings that can be tied to each issue or trauma. Now take those feeling and multiply them by however many issues you start to realize you need to deal with and it become very difficult to figure out how to move on and not get crushed. I think I did a decent job at compartmentalizing some of my issues and saying that I had dealt with them. Once I started really talking with a therapist I realized just how wrong I was. Part of me thinks I repressed some of them or worked through them to a degree but not to the degree necessary to truly start to be able to heal from it.
I’m not necessarily here to talk about ways to move through this part. I don’t know a fool proof way to do that. I think it’s going to be different for each individual. I want to let people know that are starting their journey that you may start to accumulate a lot of issues very quickly. It can feel like a mountain you can’t climb. It can also feel very hindering and all consuming. I started to tie lots of little things together to see a larger pattern that I hadn’t been able to see before. A good therapist and lots of talking, self reflecting, self work, and (for me) journaling can make it start to seem manageable. The awareness of just how many things have caused you to feel negatively may seem insurmountable.
I can’t recall seeing much info out there about how suffocating it can feel to see all of these things come out so quickly. Maybe that’s for the best. Maybe it is good to go in blind. Who knows. I think it’ll all depend on individual to individual. I’m not sure if I’m glad that I didn’t know ahead of time. In the end I just had to deal with all of the feels and issues in pieces. Break things down and focus on one for a bit and then move on to another when I was ready. That may lead to feeling like groundhog day with the same crappy feelings, but no one said it was easy. That is the one thing I never heard. Going through this and choosing to try and heal and grow was never said to be easy. In the end, which it’s a lifelong cycle, it is completely worth it. I’m a different person than I was back in December when I started this and a completely different person from who I was before I started my journey back in November 2017 when I chose myself.
There isn’t anything special about me. I guess I’m lucky that my depression and anxiety aren’t chemically created, but if I can do the work anyone can. I believe in you. I’ve seen a lot of people around me start their journeys. I’ve seen their changes. We’ve talked about therapy and suicide and depression. The conversations have changed in what’s talked about and how. I want to let you all know that I’m so proud of you for taking the steps to heal yourselves. I’ve seen your work. I’ve seen your progress. I’m seeing who you are becoming and I love who the new “you”s are. Let those who are starting their journey, on their journey, ending their journey or helping others on their journey all know that you’re proud of them. They’re doing the hard work. I can only hope the results are pleasing each of you. Keep going. You’re doing great. You all have inspired me on my own healing. I couldn’t have gotten here without you.
The Witch helped me start and supported me through my journey. Lots of you have also provided support that I’m forever grateful for. My therapist has helped me turn my own life around. I’ve gained self confidence I didn’t know existed. I’ve also been able to learn tools for dealing with issues as they arise. She is my savior. I am my own hero. Be your own hero. We’re here to support you.