The Magical Collective Presents:
LA - @dead_ayeress
Every time i try to calculate how long Jeremiah and I have known each other i have to come to terms with how old we are. It's been over 20 years since we met and if his being my best friend was a person they would be old enough to buy porn. A concept even crazier due to the fact that a good portion of our teenage years were spent discussing our mutual anxiety about growing up, social expectations, and responsibility. I don't know that either of us thought we'd be here now... full on adults, contrubiting to society, w real jobs... and partners... and mortgages. He's the godfather of my son and to this day he's one of the most genuine people ive ever met. Weve seen each other through literal decades of ups and downs, sans judgement and always speaking truth even if it wasnt ready to be received. There is no push and pull, no "fixing", or "you just need to..."; only safe space, a kind mirror, and another set of eyes on any given situation, and i will forever be thankful for that and him.
From as early as elementary school i was aware that i wasnt that smart. I had teachers that said it bc i had a hard time with multiplication tables and wasn't a strong speller, and kids that said it bc i said "like" too much during oral presentations. As an adult i now know that everyone is smart, it just manifests in different ways. Some people can wax philosophical, others are number wizes, and some people are incredible with machines, or words, or music, or running a household efficiently, or are even the ever cool "street smart". In my old age, ive recognized my particular brand of "smart" is of the detail/process oriented "quick learner" persuasion. That, and when someone says they're "not smart" it just means they've been brainwashed into feeling that their particular brand of intelligence isnt the "right" kind.
Growing up with Jere and his ex i was legit referred to as "the dumb one" of the group (lovingly, of course, in that asshole teen punk shit talkin sort of way) and that was eventhough i took IB/AP classes and made decent grades (we all did). It used to bother me. More than i probably let on. In hindsight, i'm aware it contributed to already poor self esteem (bc, you know, high school) and to me constantly destroying relationships of all kinds. I made decisions out fear of not being good enough and so desperately wanting anything that resembled love (also, bc high school). I doubted myself and my worth, and constantly over compensated. If you cant be "smart" be likeable. Dont disagree or say no or rock the boat. Work harder. Give more. Be charming. And i was. Jere and i may have had different demons, but they sure as shit ran in the same circles. We shared a lot of the same fears and that's what bonded us. We grew up in a time where we only felt valued for WHAT we were, not WHO we were. There was too much emphasis on superficial characteristics then, even (especially) from parents and authority figures. It was about being "smart" or "pretty" or "talented", and if you couldnt be defined that way you were somehow less than or a disappointment.
I love that people dont tell their kids these days "youre so smart"; the same way we've stopped emphasizing "youre so pretty" to girls. It took me until my late 20s, after a job i worked so hard at it made me physically sick for a month straight, to realize that i deserved more. That i didnt need to keep trying to make up for the fact i wasnt particularly "smart" or "pretty" or "talented". That a fat pay check wasnt worth my emotional, mental, and physical well being, anymore than a selfish boyfriend, or any toxic relationship was. At that point everything changed. I was not the sum of these things; my "good" job, my "cool" boyfriend, my "nice" house. Being the hardest working, most agreeable employee didnt make my boss any less of a dick or make him respect my need for work/personal life balance any more. Being a "cool, laid back girlfriend" didnt make my boyfriend respect my boundaries or hear me on the rare occasions i did voice my issues or unhappiness. I am flawed, sometimes i am weak and scared, AND that's okay. I am more than superlatives and the things i own or people i associate with, and even more than that i am deserving of love and respect.
I'd come to realize while i may not have the highest IQ, I've always had a veritable shit ton of EQ, and eventhough that may have gotten the best of me in my youth, that it is something i should cherish and embrace. "Smart" isnt everything, but being a good friend and partner? That is. Being able to help others recognize toxic patterns and relationships in their lives. Being a safe space and positive, supportive force for personal growth. Encouraging people to live their truth and be the best versions of themselves. Helping them love themselves for WHO they are and reminding them to be kind to themselves. THAT is everything. That is my best self and greater purpose, but it might not be yours, and that's also okay. I'd rather be happy, than be right. Id rather be kind, than "smart" by someone else's standards. Id rather be me. Genuine, thoughtful friends throughout the years, like J, helped me be all 3. THAT is everything. And what Jeremiah (and Dani) do with DAB is everything. We are all flawed, we all live w trauma (whether we recognize it or not), AND we are all deserving of love and kindness, SPECIALLY from ourselves. Bc its not about being perfect. We can all do better. Its about getting up when you fall short and trying again. Its about waking up every day and working to heal and forgive and be our best selves, in whatever form that may be. And DAB reminds us of that.
A few months ago J asked me to contribute a recipe here. Specifically, to be his very first contributor (outside of the Witch, of course), and while i was insanely busy at the time, i had to take a moment to bask in how honored i felt. I told him, honestly, it would be awhile. A few weeks later covid-19 had shut down the state (or rather, the world) and i found myself with ALL the time. I thought i'd bang out a witty write up of my lemon chess bars, in between snuggling my 18mo old, and binge watching bad tv with my partner within the first week. Heh. Funny, right? Funny how easy it is to forget that thanks to our society we've all been going full speed while juggling on a unicycle for as long as we can remember. Personally, in the past 18 months i'd had a baby, my husband got diagnosed w type 1 diabetes (at the very juvenile age of 39), got our house market ready, sold it, bought a new one, moved, had 2k in medical checks fraudulently deposited/stolen, had staff at work cut in half, worked 6 days a week for 3 months, had my husband hospitalized with pneumonia and diabetic ketoacidosis, and then the week he came home: Boom. Screeching Halt. Suddenly, i went from constantly saying "there's not enough hours in the day" out loud and talking myself down internally with, "just one day at a time", to being able to just be and breathe. Needless to say, i've spent the majority of my time off catching up on house projects i'd been putting off. I unpacked. I planted a vegetable garden. I painted a mural in the kiddo's room. I organized the office (i deserve a gold effin star for that one). And ive cooked. Curries and tacos and quiches. Made homemade pickled cabbage and lamb philly cheese steaks. And baked just about every Keto version of an old man treat out there, from cinnamon pecan rolls to carrot cake muffins to mock cinnamon toast crunch cereal made out pork rinds (yeah, that's a thing). My man has diabetes and i have a gluten sensitivity. So naturally, here's a recipe for something neither of us can eat (and both wish we could), but hopefully you can. And of all the baked goods I've made for people (and trust me, i AM that friend/coworker) these are the most requested. Personally, i love to make them for the for the Vernal Equinox, Beltane, and the Summer Solstice (which just so happens to be coming up on June 20th!), when lemons are a part of the traditional holiday foods; but they are a tasty treat any time for the lemon lovers in your life. So make them, enjoy them, and above all: embrace your truth; respect and support others who are trying to do the same; and remember to be kind to yourself.
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The Recipe
A few helpful tips before you start:
Make sure your cream cheese/butter mixture is SMOOTH before adding eggs. Otherwise, itll get chunky, itll still taste good, but itll be possible to get your filling smooth after that point.
Roll your lemons! This loosens the segments and allows for more juice. Zest first, then cut and juice!
You do not need to sift your powdered sugar... unless you wanna be extra fancy, but you do you.
Finally, I understand that regionally people have different ideas of what constitutes "chess". With this in mind ive provided information on how to get the filling consistency of your dreams. Ive done it all ways and generally use 1/2 stick (as per below) as it's a nice middle ground, but mostly bc its easier to remember than who likes it which way. That being said the following butter measurements will yield the explained results:
No butter- will give you fluffier, velvety filling. Closer to cheesecake in texture. Doneness will be risen edges with the slightest jjiggle in the middle.
A whole stick of butter- will give you a sticky, gooey filling closer to pecan pie filling (minus nuts, of course). Doneness is hard to gauge, as it will still look very liquid in the middle. You will want to bake a lil longer (45 min is usually right on), but ultimately just remove carefully and let cool for at least 30 min, at which point they will set.
Ingredients:
Crust:
1 box yellow cake mix (yes, i know its "cheating" but hand to higher powers people will always ask about the crust)
1 stick butter, melted
1 egg
Filling:
1 8oz block full fat cream cheese or neufchatel, softened
1/2 stick butter, softened (or amount chosen from above notes)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 tsp salt
3 eggs
1 lb powdered sugar (or approximately 3 3/4 cups)
2 large lemons, juice and zest
Preheat oven to 350° and grease 9x13 pan
Mix all crust ingredients together and press evenly into bottom of pan (i create small lip around edge, maybe 1/4 inch? But def not all the way up the sides)
In the same bowl (no need to clean in between) cream together cream cheese and butter until smooth.
Add vanilla, salt, and eggs. Mix til smooth.
Slowly add powdered sugar in batches until all incorporated.
Add lemon juice and zest. Mix until fully blended and pour over crust (it will cover it completely. Hope you greased that pan, dude)
Bake for 30-45 min (doneness will vary depending on the amount of butter you used)
Remove and let cool completely, then cut into bars.