Who Will I Be?

Who will I be when I’m no longer afraid of who I will become?

I had this thought earlier tonight. It’s really starting to hit me. I found myself in a dark place. When I say I found myself I mean that was the first time where I feel I really truly found out who I was. I’m not going to say “unfortunately” it was in a dark place. It’s just odd some times to me that my comfort is the darkness. Am I just protecting myself? Hiding in the very place where I found out who I was. I embrace the dark parts of myself. I think it’s because it’s what I know. It’s who I know. It’s comfort. I don’t believe in happiness. I think happiness is a binary on/off thing. You either are or you aren’t. It’s a measure of how you feel at a given time. I’m looking for and striving to become content. I want to be ok more than I’m not. Some will say that’s just saying the same thing. I don’t. Maybe that will change someday. I think maybe this is the first step towards “happiness”. Who am I to say. Everyone will and does approach things differently. I will never tell you what you’re doing is the wrong way if it works for you. There may be healthy better ways but progress is progress right? One step at a time?

I’m scared of who/what I will become if I no longer embrace the fear of not being depressed. It’s what I’ve known so much of my life at this point. I also feel weird because I see people who are “happy” and their solutions tend to me just be happy. Thanks I’m cured. If only it were that easy. We all have experiences we’ve gone through. We all have choices we’ve made. I really think it’s getting close to the time where I need to stop being afraid of who I will become if I’m not depressed. I still have the choice of loving the music I love, and watching the horror movies I watch. Those things don’t need to change. I don’t need to be happy and bubbly to be healthy. The future me shouldn’t be afraid. He should be willing to tell me to have hope. Look how far I’ve come. Born 3 months early, and proven to myself time and time again that I can do anything. I need to tell myself that I can do this. I deserve to do this. I won’t know until I try. Things will change and it will be scary. I have the love and support of those that matter to me most. I need to hear that it’s going to be ok from them, but really I need to tell myself that it will be ok. The deathwish may never go away and happiness may never be a real thing, but I will survive and I deserve to give myself the chance to push fear aside and see who I will be.