This is Who I Will Be
Today I finished therapy. I am a brand new person It’s an indescribable feeling. I’m proud of myself. I’m confident. As scared as I am of relapse I know it won’t be the same. I have tools and understanding now. That’s not to say there won’t be bad or hard days ahead.
The above is what I got to write in my journal today. Today I had my last therapy session. It might not be my last ever, but it’s my last for now. I honestly don’t know what to say. It’s been a very long road. At times it feels like you’re alone driving empty winding roads at night and can barely see where you’re going. Other days you’ll have breakthroughs that start your healing and put things into perspective. Some days you feel crushed by having to feel and actually address the emotions you either didn’t address or didn’t understand how to address. Later you start to understand what it really means to feel the emotions. You get to feel them. You start to “learn” what you need. There will be new experiences that make it easier to expect different reactions from events. It’s possible you get the same reaction you’re used to. Maybe it’s a reaction you don’t like. Now you get the choice of whether you want to deal with that person or situation anymore. More and more, if you’re doing the work, you start to see things in a different way. Maybe you finally start to see things in a more positive way. This can’t be done until you have the experiences to show you that it can be different. This is why you can’t just tell someone to “this positively”. That shit doesn’t work. You don’t know what that means until you start to have the experiences you can use to “relearn” what you should be able to expect in safe settings. Then you can start to imagine and think of things in new and different ways.
Seven months ago I wrote a blog post wondering who I would be. I am that person now. I am a brand new person compared to 2.75 years ago or even since December. I do still worry that there will be something that will come along and ruin all of this. Now though, I know I have the tools to help me step back from the brink. I can more easily deal with my own reactions or not react at all. I’m not there in every instance. I found the confidence to get a new job in a less toxic environment. I’m starting to feel that I can guide and lead people to help them become what they want to be. Hope and optimism are both starting to be things I can honestly feel. Don’t get me wrong I’m still a realist and don’t see the “positive” side of everything, but I can see and feel like there is light in the world. I love the darkness and will always be thankful that I spent a lot of life in it. It’s where I found myself. I learned who I was when I was there. It was a friend when I felt I had no one or isolated myself from others. I wouldn’t trade any of the traumas, dark days, wounded relationships, or hardships I’ve gone through for anything. They’ve all made me who I am now. So have you. You’ve made me who I am. For that I will always be thankful. To The Witch I love you for asking me if I was okay so many Decembers ago and really caring what the answer was. To my old friends thank you for always believing in me even when I couldn’t believe in myself. To my new friends thanks for being accepting of the new me or the me you’ve seen me change into. To everyone: THANK YOU for your support. Thanks for allowing me to be vulnerable. I hope I’ve provided the same to you.
To anyone just starting, or considering starting, their healing journey all I can say is still with it and do it. The work is hard. You may lose friends. You may lose family members. What you will find though is who you really are and who you can be. You’ll be surprised because that person was there all along. You can do this. We want to help. I hope these words of hope can help you. Healing is possible. Things can be better. Don’t give up now. There will be bad days even when you feel better. The journey never ends but it’s totally worth it. There are lots of tears, fears, and feelings that you can’t keep doing it. You can. You’re stronger than you know. Speak, write, create, whatever you need to do to get it out.
Learning how to speak gave me the strength to carry on
My therapist, Mary Baker, has been such an amazing person and guide through this. I can’t say enough about her. She does individual therapy as well as marriage counseling and career/life coaching.
It was the first time in a long time that I felt alive
This is not the end, but only a new beginning.