I Know That Language Will Fail Us, But It’s All We’ve Got

I never trust my own words. I don't think they're enough. This post below was written in song lyrics. I could have gone on forever

I know that language will fail us, but it's all we've got
My words never come out right


Depression:

It's just when I had no one, I had depression
It's the only constant in my life that I could depend on

I guess the notion of content has always felt incongruent
But it took a long time to be honest with myself
About the solipsistic attitude I take towards my health

Oh, how it pains me to admit it
But I'm far from self-sufficient
My independence stolen
By persistent mental illness

My dichotomy has always been that I'm scared of burdening those who love me
But knowing I need help before I die afraid and lonely
But maybe it's all in my head

I'm so afraid of the end
I've lead myself to believe
I may never be happy again

I hesitate to lead a life that should elate me
I'm reminded daily that my depression can't be justified
But I can't seem to quieten down my mind
I've always been ashamed to say that maybe I need help
But it's either that, or face the fact I may end up killing myself

I can't tell if I'm a coward for being scared to leave
Or if I'm brave for staying when I'm riddled with worry
So, this is an open letter to myself in ten years' time
I'm sorry if you're not around to read this
I swear that I tried

I think the hardest part of all
Is trying to justify self-deprecation when I am
Constantly surrounded by sources
Of love and affection
I know that I'm not on my own

From a soapbox, I have glorified my slow disintegration
Nothing more than my verbose, romanticised self-deprecation
I've little more to offer than advice on letting blood
My cynicism serves no purpose, and my love is not enough
To eschew negative behaviours that I've tried to use to cope

My levity has always been a wound that needs addressing
Perhaps my pessimism prospers in the absence of progress
Is my cynicism premature or justified by my emptiness?

I don't believe the clouds are hiding much more than a reason to downpour
So what would you do if you were me?
Give up, forget, and go back to sleep

The world isn’t against you my dear. It just doesn’t care

Before Her:

I'm sorry but you weren't there when I needed you most
I felt like I was a ghost of someone you used to love
But I was never enough to save us

We were always vacant, nothing more
We spoke until our throats were sore
Our hearts lay on the bedroom floor, and one was mine
But both were yours

My love is not enough
I know it's hard to watch your light fade from my eyes, but darling for my sake you've got to let it die
My weathered hands have dug this grave enough
It's time for us to bury our love

Tell me, are you ashamed?
'Cause I felt alone and you watched as I decayed
I slipped through your hands as I faded
I've tried to forget
But your love will make a museum of me yet
I hope you know how long I've waited


Family:

That's me
Well I'm that long lost son
Home is where the heart is, somewhere I went wrong
I want back, so bad

I walked by an old man in a cemetery, he was kneeling
And not so far off in time that could be me
He just sat there at the headstone, he was begging
For god to take his life and let him rest here by wife
Not feel that pain and finally be free
And without another word I left that place of hurt and longing

When I look into the mirror I see:
A boy not a man
The son of a father I refuse to understand

We always seem to fall without family to hold

(one night), one fight, one family swallowed whole

Some things just fall apart
Some families stand like November trees: barren and stark
Some things just fall apart
Some memories continue breaking the cold heart

And some sons have a hard time
Looking at things the same
Looking in their father’s eyes
When both their heads hang in shame

Oceans of emotions we’ve got to swim

If these trees can’t replace scars
Then let their leaves just bury me

I'm homesick
And living in the past
Seemingly unfazed and strong if anyone asks
I'm keeping up appereances with white lies
With a levee set
For my heavy eyes

It was time this whole time
I've kept it bottled up and to myself in the cellar
Kept for my ever-changing mental health

That night when you took the wrong dose
And weren't making any sense
Is a night that I often remember
And one I wish I could forget
But it's there to stay

And I haven't recovered since
No, I haven't recovered since

The oscillating toll it's taking on everyone involved
We'll find connections through extensions to not feel so alone

With so much gloom surrounding
I feel cornered up against the wall
Pulled down and slowly drowning
Taking bets on who is next to fall

I saw the glass as half full
So I felt I could ask for more
I was comfortable
It spilled over onto the floor
I beg to come back to before
With the damage done
And the damage won

You've got a hell of a lot to live up to

So, what are you gonna do?
Be the man he made you to be
And you are your father's son
Dear Father, Dear Father
Be the hero that your father was
Be the man he made you to be

Death can teach us how to live our lives with clarity

Healing/Hope:

Give me the strength to love myself
As I am told that I am loved
May I believe, despite my doubt
That someday I'll be good enough

I'm learning to remove your every suture, every wound is proof
That even love is ruthless
But I survived no thanks to you

I'm a healing scar. I have a heart,
But it's beating inside a chest I keep locked.
But the same blood runs through me
As every other man whose done great things.

Don’t carry such a terrible thing into eternity
The wind bids you through open window out onto the sea
You can handle so much more than you think
The breeze fills the sail and the soul, taking you to adventures yet told

The thunder. The waves. A compass. A stowaway
Give thanks for clear sky and the tempest
Calm seas never shaped the greatest
Leave that town behind, change your fate
The flame shines on a stone with your name, two dates, and the phrase “Here Lies A Chaser of Waves.“

Just waking up
From the darkest days
I’m not coming back

I’ve been dragging myself through
With regards to
The worst this life can give

I ran into a friend he said he's seen some changes in me
"Well there's this girl I wake up to who keeps me smiling,"
And as much as I complain and cry about my perfect life I know I've got it made
It's just an awful mix of chemicals, these demons and black clouds follow me

"arise-my soul, and sing."

And I would be laid in the ground to rest if not for you and my closest friends


Me:

An odd figure holds a lantern
Shines it into mysteries

I'm heartsick
And well rehearsed
Highly decorated
With a badge that reads
"It could be worse"
So prideful I choose
To live in disguise
With a levee set
For my heavy eyes

I keep finding ways to push the good out for the bad.
Oh, how selfish of myself to always say that it was more than I could take,
Like it was pain I could not shake, like
It could break me with its fingers, throw my body in the lake, and
I would slowly sink away but
The Truth is it was sorrow that I made and would not face.
See, I keep falling for the future after tripping on the past.
And I am always tearing sutures out to make the anguish last
Like it defines me.
Or reminds me I've found comfort in my suffering
And uncertainty in happiness and death, because
What's next is such a mystery to me.
I am terrified of all the things I feel but cannot see.

I will give your heart a place to rest when everything you had has turned and left.
I'll weave your names into my ribcage; lock your hearts inside my chest.
Regain the passion I once carried; do away with all the rest.

I've been torn apart
But I won't break your heart

My girl, my friends, my blood-tied family
My curses and blessings, if it weren't for you I'd be dead and buried

He carves his name in that old brass bell
So when it rings he can hear it in hell

I'm a man of no faith but I'm familiar with hell

Dear old friend
I think I'm slipping again
At the end of my rope with this pain in my head

I could use your sage old advice
Some words to calm me down
I ain't been sleeping most nights

I'm trying my best
to be a better man
despite all my fears
I really am

It was the first time in a long time that I felt alive
At least I tried
Then my highest hopes were realized then it flat-lined
At least I tried

I got my mother's eyes. And my father's work
I wonder what our sons and daughters will have of ours
I hope it's not my pride, lies, or lack of remorse
Please let it be only the best in me, however little it may seem

The scariest thing is not dying before you reach your dreams
But reaching them and still feeling dead

Her:

Years later she took your name
Hopeful and now unafraid
Your gut sinks each time you see her

'Cause there ain't nothing like your smile, your legs and those eyes
And I will beg and steal and borrow to keep you safe your whole life

Found my place in the arms of a girl
Let them wrap around me and I’ll sing you to sleep

Darkest of days and meanest of times ain’t no match for the greenest of eyes
Let them see through me, all the curses I keep
I breathed you in each time our lips met

Lets go walkin' on the boardwalk
Dip our feet into the sea
Lets find ourselves lost for hours
Until we find ourselves a drink

Lets talk that sun into setting
Just need the sound of your voice
Need that calming and the comfort
Something to drown out the noise

And I don't mind
If we take our time
'Cause I'm all yours
If you're all mine

Something I've been meanin' to tell you
About three years and a day
I'd very much like to get married
Maybe have kids and move away

'Cause there ain't nothing like your smile
Your legs and those eyes
I will beg and steal and borrow
To keep you safe your whole life

And I don't mind
If we take our time
'Cause I'm all yours
If you're all mine