How Did I Get Here?

I’ve been thinking about this one for a while now. I wanted to tell my story. Not the whole thing, but the parts I feel that are important. What led me to therapy? What really helped me realize I need help, and so on. Hopefully this can help show someone that it’s ok to reach out for help. It’s ok to be selfish every now and then. That selfishness isn’t really selfishness. It’s looking out for yourself instead of everyone else. It dawned on me that my recovery didn’t start when I went back to therapy in December 2019. It started in November 2017 when I realized I deserved more, from myself, and from others. I’m not 4 months into healing, I’m 29 months into my journey. That’s a huge difference.

I was born 2 pounds 14 ounces at 28 weeks. There have been studies that show premature and low birth weight babies are more likely to show mental health issues later in life. There are a few newer studies that say there is no link, but really I don’t know that we can be sure yet. I think sample sizes are too low and there may not be enough data to completely say one way or another. Either way I’m lucky as hell to be here.

My mental health diagnosis is dysthymia depression also known as persistent depressive disorder. Mine tends to be environmental as its cause. There are two treatment options one being drugs and one being talk therapy. 70% of recover in about 4 years with 50% see a recurrence. The worst part is only 20% tend to seek treatment. I’m now one of those 20% and I want that number to go up. I won’t lie either, I’m worried about that 50% recurrence issue too.

The first time I knew I was depressed I was around 16. I didn’t tell my parents. They still don’t know the extent of it all as far as I know. It was also around this time that I really started to think I wouldn’t live past the age of 24. I’m not sure why 24, but that was the number. I thought that I would kill myself before that time frame. I always thought I’d be the cause of my own death. I grew up in a “family” that didn’t know how to be a family. My grandparents on my dad’s side never acknowledged that I was alive. There’s a lot of unresolved unacknowledged trauma in my family. I’m going to leave a lot of specifics out but I will say I believe there was a lot of emotional abuse. I know where that comes from and it will end with me. I will not pass that on.

Fast forward and I entered a marriage I had reservations about. I had, and still do, put other’s needs first. This is something I’m working on. My real change happened one night in November of 2017. It was another fight about the same thing when I realized things would never change unless I changed them. I needed to do something. I started to realize this wasn’t working for me and I had to do something. The fear of hurting someone really made it hard for me. I started to talk to a new friend and that person asked me if I was ok. This was the first person to ask and genuinely seem to care. I had decided I needed to end my marriage in November but it took me until February to gain the courage to start that process with the conversation about divorce. I buckled and agreed to go to counseling. I had brought it up before but was shot down. Counseling/therapy was the greatest thing. I learned so much about boundaries and my feelings verse your feelings. I got divorced and things seemed ok for a while. I quit therapy the day my ex wife finally realized it was over. During this time frame my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 ER+ metastatic breast cancer. This has and has not changed my family dynamic. It put more pressure on me. Now I was the grown up. There are other things to come out of this that won’t be discussed, not yet anyway. Through this time I had friends that really stepped up and I love them so dearly for that.

I found someone I could love that would love me back. This person shares some of the same traumas that I do. This makes a relationship very hard but so rewarding. It’s nice to have someone that truly understands and wants to grow and share with me. It’s been life changing in a positive way.

Work has always been something I’ve struggled with. I didn’t have the boundaries and was too worried about disappointing others so I got walked all over at times. I’d take on the work of others to get it done. This caused me to be a control freak. Again another thing on a long list of things I’m working on. September 2019 and things at work really started to change. This lead to our head of sales, at the time, and lead and only other senior engineer leaving all in the span of about 6 weeks. I was now completely and solely responsible for 2/3s or so of the clients the company had. I’d worked with two of those departing for my entire time at the company. It was insanely hard. The pressure, the loss, the change, the why am i still here, and so on. I was flailing and hard. I could feel it. Others could see it. My partner was worried and honestly so was I.

I reached out to the therapist I had used during the divorce and she told me she can do one on ones. I was thrilled. I trusted her and she knew me. She’d helped me so much already. Still no matter what I just couldn’t do it. I made excuse after excuse about being too busy. I was nervous what people at work would say. I didn’t tell them. It got bad. I was thinking about suicide again here and there. I had to do something. Finally in December 2019 I made my first appointment. I’m now going roughly every other week. It’s where I got my diagnosis. It’s where I get my validation. It’s where I learn what to do right. Why am I anxious? Why am I worried? Why do I take on others shit so they don’t have to. I have answers to all of that. I have plans for all of that now. I’m slowly getting better. I’ve decided that I do want to live. I have felt nothing or empty for so long. Now at times I feel a different type of nothing. She told me “That’s peace. That’s calm”. I’ve been able to find joy in parts of life again. I’ve got a very long road ahead. I wouldn’t do any of it differently. I owe my therapist more than I can repay. I owe my partner more than I can repay. I owe my friends, who are now my family, more than I can repay. To all of you thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you all so dearly.

This blog was started shortly after I entered therapy again. I wanted to give back. I wanted to learn to bake and find enjoyment in that again. I hope these stories can help someone find the courage to do what they need to do to start on the road to recovery. Don’t wait as long as I did. It took me 34 years to realize that I am worth it. Then another 2 to really accept it. You can do this. You must make the choice yourself. If you find a therapist you don’t like move on. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for your mental health. Yes there’s a stigma but that’s because people are scared of the things they don’t understand. Now is your time. Now it’s your turn. You can do this. I believe in you. I will be proud of you. Take the first step.

“Your mental health is not your fault, but it is your responsibility” Marcus Parks - Last Podcast On The Left