A New Step In This Journey
Back Story:
It’s been so long since I’ve written anything, here or in a journal. I can’t say why. I’m not really sure.
Life threw a curve ball almost a year ago. We found out we were pregnant with our second child. Shortly after that we found out it was a boy. I had been hoping for another girl. Lots of wounds I had hope to avoid having to heal and face, but here we are.
Since our son was born it’s been a wild ride with 2 kids. Initially things were “ok”. He slept 4 hours at a time. Now that’s not always the case. We’re back to interrupted sleep, long nights, and early mornings. This is all normal stuff. I missed some of this with our first. For a while I was away from my wife and new baby because my mom was dying of cancer. Once she passed I had guilt and grief also consume me. I chalked up most of my stress of the new born to that. I don’t have that this time. What I have now is the realization that I’m sinking, and not slowly.
It came to a head for me about a week or so ago. I got so overwhelmed with the crying of one and the feeling tantrums of the other that I basically had a breakdown on the stairs. For the first time in a long time I asked for help. Actual help. Not just hey can you go change a diaper, but help me please because I can’t do this. I need something real.
I setup an appointment with my therapist and asked her how I could get an SSRI. It’s to the point where I need something that can hopefully work fast, while I try and cope with the underlying issues that I’m now admitting and working on.
SSRIs scare me. I won’t like. There’s a lot of stigma around them, and when I first entered therapy I was hoping to not have to take them. Thinking back to it I was scared to think that I would need that much help. Was I really so “broken” that I would need medication to help me. I want to say it’s hard to find good information out there, but I didn’t really try too hard to find it. Since I’ve decided to start an SSRI I reached out to our Dark Arts Of community and found so many people willing to share their stories with me. They offered incredible advice, support, and questions I should ask. I wish this was easier to find. In and effort to make that “easier” to find I’m going to start sharing my story. Lead by example. If “The more we talk the more we heal” then I should be talking. I’m going to try and lay out how I was feeling, what I’ve done so far, and as things progress I hope to have the time and energy to keep this going forward.
How was I feeling and what lead me to decide I need to try an SSRI?
The cry screaming, screaming, and toddler screaming all seem to immediately wreck me. I go from zero to 10 almost immediately. This is a fight or flight response I believe, and it triggers the fight response. My goal in these situations is to get the crying to stop as fast as possible. Some times it makes me loud, like if I’m louder than you are then you can hear me and it’ll help. Yeah, it doesn’t. Can I help that. No, not currently. My hope is that the SSRI will take the edge off enough for me to cope. I tried ear plugs and noise cancelling headphones to no avail.
The fight or flight response was causing havoc with my body. I was getting overwhelmed much faster and to a highe r degree. My ability to calm down and regulate, which isn’t the best on a good day, was basically non-existent.
What do I see as triggers, and what’s being triggered?
As I mentioned my triggers are loud screaming and crying that is aimed at me. There have been a lot of times I’ve been yelled at where I don’t believe I deserved it. This has happened most of my life, from childhood through adulthood. This then triggers a major boundary crossing and then I either shutdown or get loud/angry. Most of my life I felt that I was never heard. Being loud is a way to be heard I guess. It’s not really effective nor does it work.
My other desire is to control the situation. What can I do to stop the kids from hurting themselves. The baby especially. He loves to arch and wiggly while being held. It scares me. I fear he’s going to hurt himself or fall out of my hands. If I can control the situation and get them to stop then maybe something bad won’t happen. All of this is not the right way of thinking. It’s just being afraid. It’s not logical. Kids can’t be controlled nor should they be.
How can I tell I need something more?
Levity - I use humor to mask things. If I’m making jokes about suicide or other heavy topics then I know I’m sinking. It’s just a coping mechanism. “We laugh cause it hurts too much to cry” Worthwhile - Live for what lasts.
Being overwhelmed to the point of it impacting my ability to function. We have 2 kids. My fight or flight has been impacted by so many different events over the years that it will take me forever to get it back under control. I’ve been working on it for years. My wife and my kids deserve me being able to calmly handle tough situations. Therapy has been helpful but it takes a lot of work and time. None of which I have currently.
I’ve had intrusive thoughts. I am not a threat to myself or others, but I have had intrusive thoughts.
Things I’ve learned already:
There’s an amazing community out there that will openly share their stories if you ask. Ask. They will share their stories. They will share their side effects, positive impacts, and so much more. Ask them what questions you should ask your GP.
You can get SSRIs from your GP. You don’t need to go to a psychiatrist. I had no idea. Thank you to my therapist for that.
There are many different SSRIs with different uses. A friend said “it’s like trying on shoes”. Give it a few weeks and if you don’t like it try something else.
There’s no real reason for there being a stigma. It’s just another thing people are afraid of or don’t understand so it’s easier to demonize and stigmatize it than understand it.
Keep an eye out here and our instagram. My plan and hope is to keep this updated for others and myself. Hopefully I can use this to judge how impactful the SSRIs are. Hopefully someone else removes their fear and starts their next step on their healing journey.