Maybe It Would Have Been Easier
Very recently one of my best friend’s grandmas died. I doubt I ever met her, but my friend wrote a very loving tribute to her late grandma. It really made me think about mine. What had I lost? What had I missed out on? Could she have saved our family?
My grandma was the only grand parent that I ever had a relationship with. Her husband got sick after a surgery and spent the rest of his life in a home. I think he died when I was 8 or so. I wasn’t old enough or close enough to him to have felt any real loss or grief. My “grand parents” on my dad’s side never even acknowledged that I was born. They both passed without any contact. So here I am, one grand parent, and I’m a real jerk about it. She used to give me a quarter to go check the mail when she’d watch me. I do have fond memories of her. I can remember one time when she made her homemade pasta sauce from scratch. I remember nights at her house where we’d get pizza from the local joint. That’s some of the best pizza ever and always makes me think of her. In fact we celebrated her life at that pizza joint.
I really let my lack of family and certain outside influences cloud my ability to really want to have a relationship with her. It was also hard as we were always so far away. There was a time when I was 16 or 17 and had to take her to the airport so she could fly home. I don’t recall the conversation in detail but she told me that you always have family that you can rely on. I know that I basically scoffed and said I didn’t believe that. That must have hurt her and I’d do anything to be able to take that back. I know it doesn’t work that way. Maybe though had I listened to her I’d be closer to my family than I am now. Maybe it wouldn’t have taken my mom to get cancer for that to happen. Maybe my family would be more of a family. I don’t know. I just feel that bad that I dismissed that so outright as not being possible. I shouldn’t have been such a know it all. Now I know that I’m not a know it all.
Her last few years were spent in a nursing home. She had Alzheimer’s or Dementia and didn’t really know how anyone was. She would hallucinate apparently. It’s all very sad. I never really got to say goodbye properly. I never really told her that I really did love her. I did however get to be one of her pallbearers. Her viewing was at the church she always attended. It was just down the street from where she lived. I’m not a religious person at all but I really like that church. Even when I was young I knew that meant you turned down that street to get to Grandma’s house. She was buried right next to my grandpa. The last time I was at her home town I went to the cemetery and finally visited them. I had to sneak over there as I didn’t want to upset my mom. I asked her best friend where it was. Thanks Peg. I appreciate it.
I should have listened to my Grandma when I was younger. Granted I’m still not super close to my family and there are still major issues, but who knows. Maybe I could have forged the bonds that would make right now so much easier on my family. Some lessons are very hard to learn.
