It’s ok not to be ok
I can’t say I’m good at this, but I tend to think that way about everything. It’s something I’m working on. I’ve been through a lot since 2018. I may share too much. I may not share enough. I will be as honest as I can. I use music to express how I feel. I bake, and climb to shut off my brain. I hold things back for fear of judgement and not being good enough. Or being considered damaged goods. This stigma surrounding mental health prevents people from seeking help. I know as it stopped me for a very long time. There may be times when this is hard to read and times when it makes you uncomfortable. Please know there is a help page for a reason. If you ever need help there are people willing to help. Yes it can be scary to be vulnerable. Yes things can be day to day. Our feelings can change in an instant with no explainable reasons. Just know that you are not alone. There are people out there who understand. There are people who want to help. There are people that can help. As I launch this site I have two goals. I want to share my story to help remove the stigma around mental health. Maybe it can help someone reach out for the help they need and prevent them from taking their own life. My other goal is to do what I enjoy and bake. I want to learn the Dark Arts of Baking. Why did my biscuits fail one day leading me to think I’m terrible at life? Ok I know the second half of that is part of my dsythymia.
Baking is something I feel that I can control. The oven will prove me wrong at times. Maybe I can use those times to step back and analyze things both in baking and in my brain.
Also it’s probably science and magic but chocolate chip cookies fix the brain. *
Some final quotes so we know where we stand before we start this journey.
I’m heart sick
And well rehearsed
Highly decorated
With a badge that reads
”It could be worse”
So prideful I choose
To live in disguise
With a levee set
For my heavy eyes
- Touche Amore - Flowers and You
Oh, how selfish of myself to always say
That it was more than I could take
Like it was pain I couldn't shake
Like it could break me with its fingers
Throw my body in the lake
And I would slowly sink away
But the Truth is it was sorrow that I made
And wouldn't face
See, I keep falling for the future after tripping on the past
And I am always tearing sutures out
To make the anguish last
Like it defines me
Or reminds me
I've found comfort in my suffering
And uncertainty in happiness and death
Because what's next is such a mystery to me
And I am terrified of all the things I feel but cannot seeI will give your heart a place to rest
When everything you had has turned and left
I'll weave your names into my rib cage
Lock your hearts inside my chest
Regain the passion I once carried
Do away with all the rest
I tore the sickness from your bodies
Smashed its head against the bricks
I made a castle from its bones
That you may always dwell in it
So sing for every buried moment
That you'd thought would never end
And sing your fears about the future
And a dirge for faded friends
For all the love that you had held to
Why it somehow failed to keep
And sing each minute you've been frightened
Every hour that you've lost sleep
And sing for all your friends and family
Sing for those who didn't survive
But sing not for their final outcome
Sing a song of how they tried
We live amidst a violent storm;
Leaves us unsatisfied at best
So fill your heart with what's important
And be done with all the rest
We are what's left of what we once were
We are falling far behind
There's so much stacking up against us
And we're running out of time
We are but hopeful children
And we're the last of our kind
But if we let our hearts move outward
I know we will never-die- La Dispute - The Last Lost Continent
*i doubt this is scientifically proven so don’t hold me to it