A Step Back and Into Vulnerability
It’s been about 7 months since I posted anything here. It’s a shame, but a lot has happened in that time. My mom passed away, our baby has struggled with reflux, The Witch has been dealing with PPD, and I’m feeling my own depression coming back. At work a good friend of mine is leaving to pursue a dream of his. I’m super supportive and glad he can do that, but I must say I’m also grieving that loss too.
The grief of that loss, plus the loss of my mom, my own depression, and a feeling of having my feelings denied all came to a head. I lost control and punched a hole in our kitchen pantry door. Immediately I regretted it. The loss of control of myself and my emotions flooded with me shame. It’s taken me a long time to gain control and less than a second to lose it. It was a huge personal step backwards on my road to recovery. I tried to see if I could hide this by swapping doors in the house. Of course none of the other doors are set the same way. Anyway that would have only hid the problem temporarily.
Flooded with same and guilt I knew I had to tell The Witch. The fear of being this vulnerable was killing me. What if she didn’t want to come home? (She was at her parents to hang out) What if she was afraid of me? What if she was afraid for the baby and their safety. How could I explain this? Hiding this would do no good. It would deny her her feelings and make me look even worse and not trustworthy. None of that was good for my, her, or our relationship.
I called her up and laid it all out. I explained what happened and why. We spent some time on why I felt the way I did. We discussed what lead up to it. We agreed there had been a misunderstanding between us, which happens. She said she wasn’t afraid of me nor scared for her or the baby’s safety. She has yet to let me live it down and will tease me slightly about it. That’s ok. My hand was a good solid reminder for almost 2 weeks.
The shame has made it hard for me to openly talk about this to others so this is my way of sharing this. I also discussed it on the vulnerability episode of the podcast. I would say I did learn not to expect certain reactions from people as you may not get that. It may prevent you from sharing and instead trying to hide to avoid the hurt, hurting someone, or fear or rejection. All of which I felt. Being vulnerable though, did give us a way to discuss what happened and why. It also built trust on both sides. One that I could tell her things and not be met with immediate negative emotions, and two she could trust me to be open and truthful.
Special thanks to a friend for helping me hang the new door. I spent far too much time in home depot feeling like an asshole for having to buy a door because I broke mine, and trying to figure out which one matched the look of the other door. I still need to paint it but that’s a project for when I’m feeling better.