Last night we had our first ever “First Friday” at our Collective shop. We brought out the wheel and let people spin. It was a great night full of great conversations. Old friends, new friends, and new faces joined in the conversation. I had a wonderful conversation with two friends who hadn’t seen each other in a very long time.

They were excited by the idea, stepped up, and spun the wheel. Happiness came up.

EDIT:

I’ve been wanting to finish this post for a while, but life is life. It’s now September 23rd and I keep coming back to this topic in my head.

I can’t recall too much about the conversation, but the two women (sorry if that’s assuming) took the time to talk to me about what happiness was to them. I then shared what happiness is to me. This is where most people get turned off, but I think it’s important to think of it this way.

My thoughts on happiness are this:

I don’t want to be “happy”. I don’t think happiness exists.

Why do I say this:

Saying that you are happy is acknowledging a binary state of feeling. You either are or you are not “happy”. This, to me, leaves room for little else in the way of emotion and human experience.

During this conversation I finally found what I want to be. I want to be “content”. I’d never been able to explain that before. The binary state of being “happy” doesn’t allow for the wide range of emotion, expression, or experiences. We lose a lot if we focus on the need to be happy. We deny the ability to be sad, or mad, or angry, or depressed, or grieve, or so many other wide range of emotions. Where does surprised come in? How do we manage how we feel if we’re more worried about being happy than being able to experience all that life has to offer? Part of life is the ups, downs, and side to sides.

This brings me back to being “content”. Give me the feeling that what I’m doing matters, that the people I’m with care about me and I care about them, and everything life has to offer positive and negative. If I’m content then I can experience it all, work through the bad, enjoy the beauty, and focus more on being than limiting myself to the on/off of select emotions. Happiness should be a part of my life, but not the defining characteristic. Let me see the elegance of rain on the street and the reflection of neon lights. Break my heart for the people suffering in far away countries where I have no control. I want to have enough, but not yearn for more. I can strive for more, but don’t let it consume me. If happiness and sadness are the binary extremes isn’t content somewhere right in the middle? Let me ebb and flow and push and pull and coast and race through life. Just let me choose.